THE BIG DINNER PLATE
 A MYSTERIOUS TALE OF GODS, LEGEND
& THE QUEST FOR THE GOLDEN WOK

I must say that I have taken a liking to The Big Dinner Plate... following its mysterious appearance at the corner of Harbour Street and Albert Street.

Where did it come from? Well, I don't know. It's just another one of those Whitstable mysteries. However, legend has it that Allosayla (God of the Plastic Catamaran... and Guardian of the à la carte menu) fell in love with WOC (Goddess of the Oyster.... and Lord of Beaches) and planned a future together.

So deep was his love for WOC that he employed all the art shops in Harbour Street to create a Big Dinner Service as a wedding gift.... and, as the pieces were taken from the kiln, they were stored in Albert Street to avoid traffic chaos and damage to the new block paving.

The couple married and, as befitted their station as DFLs (Deities from London), they established a weekend abode on the sacred boatyards of the ancient Tribe of Whitstable. In so doing, they transgressed one of the Ancient Laws of the Natives  - No Mews is Good Mews.

In a vain attempt to hide the fact that they were merely Gods from Elsewhere, they placed a plastic Thames Barge in the window and claimed to be sailors..... but even this failed to protect them from the curse of the Red Spider. 

Thus, the old Red Spider was resurrected - removing reason from the deities and inflicting them with an all-consuming and uncontrollable anger toward each other.   

One fateful night, WOC's anger overwhelmed Allosayla when he arrived home late from the pub. In fact, so great was WOC's wrath that she hurled the new crockery at her spouse and poor Allosayla died a terrible death when he was hit by The Big Gravy Boat. 

WOC was mortified by her actions. After all, dinner services of that magnitude don't come cheap. She appealed to the other Gods for help but her pleas fell on deaf ears.

In protest, she embarked on a hunger strike at the harbour's West Gate and, even to this day, the area is known as Starvation Point in memory of poor WOC.

However, there was to be a twist to the story. In her final moments, WOC discovered that a single plate had been saved.  Apparently, Allosayla had placed it in the fridge with the remains of his Chinese takeaway.

Overjoyed by her discovery and with her dying breath, she bequeathed the plate to the residents of Albert Street.... after discovering that the remains of Allosayla's Crab and Winkle curry could never be removed from the glaze. 

Saddened by Allosayla's demise, the residents mounted the plate on three large Chopsticks which they carefully painted in magic magnolia. After all, magnolia goes with anything.... including crab and winkle curry.   

What happened to the rest of the Big Dinner Service? Well, the legend suggests that the broken pieces were scooped up by Meoldchina (God of Antique Pottery and Oriental Restaurants) and scattered amongst the shingle of West Beach.  Thus the quest was born.... 

Of course, you might think that the story is a load of baloney... and you could be right. 

But take care! On those chilly nights in mid-winter when the wind whistles in from the sea and the Red Spider lies silent on the beach opposite the tennis courts, you may yet hear the eerie sound of Allosayla singing as he sits amongst the splendour of "The Even Bigger Wooden Seat of Starvation Point".... lamenting his beloved WOC. 

Of course on  Sunday, you'll find him on the beach with a a disposable barbecue, an uncontrollable water scooter and his mate Wally (God of the Socially Challenged and Guardian of the Bri-Nylon Swimming Trunks).

Anyway, look on the bright side. A legend will work wonders for the holiday trade.... just ask the Cypriot tourist board. And, of course, it will make West Beach  a bit more interesting in future.